Another film from the
vault of my memory, another classic example of 1980’s uniqueness, and an
absolute and utter piece of crap. Literally! I don’t know why I liked this film
as a child, but the memory of it stuck with me – and probably for all the wrong
reasons. For good or bad reasons (but mostly bad) The Garbage Pail Kids makes
this list, just because… well, I can’t think of an intelligent answer. So I’ll
do my best to write a review for it. Hold your breath, because this one’s a
stinker. The film I mean, not the review.
Based on the series of
trading cards – yes, they made a movie based on that – which were originally a
parody of the ever popular Cabbage Patch Kids, we open in outer space for some
reason, where said cards featuring the well known Garbage Pail Kids float
around to introduce themselves, then fly away. Don’t worry, it only gets worse
from here.
With names like Valerie
Vomit, Windy Winston, Foul Phil ( a grotesquely deformed baby), Nat Nerd, Ali
Gator, Greaser Greg and Messy Tessy, these seven characters from the card
collection were just a small minority of a much larger group of disturbing
designs. Brace yourself, because here they are… The Garbage Pail Kids
So there they are in card form. What they look like in this movie
is far worse...
We get our first glimpse of
the characters in an antique shop, where a trash can that oozes green slime
tips over, allowing them to escape and run amok in the store of old junk. A
mysterious man enters the store, and they quickly retreat to the garbage can
before he can catch them in the act.
Cue our main character
Dodger, a fourteen year old boy that gets chased by grown men through a park
that proceed to rob and beat him up. Are you still with me? I know this sounds
terrible, and it is, but it does lighten up a bit. Retreating to the previously
mentioned antique shop where the boy actually works, we meet the stores owner
Captain Manzini; an eccentric but friendly man who seems to have travelled to
every far flung foreign place on earth, collecting things and bringing them
back to his store. A mad magician of sorts, he shows the boy his various
artefacts and items, especially a certain garbage can he refers to as
“Pandora’s Box”.
We learn young Dodger has a
crush on Tangerine, a girl that’s surely ten years his senior, who in return,
flirts with Dodger - a child, but there’s nothing wrong with that of course.
She’s also friends with the creepy guys that bully him, but this doesn’t deter
the boy. Inviting her into the antique shop he tries to find her the perfect
gift, but every attempt falls flat. When the previously mentioned garbage can
is knocked over, out comes the green slime again, but as the boy leaves the
store to escape the bullies from before, the little characters from the garbage
pail are unleashed, and that’s where the demented fun really starts.
Rescuing the by from his run
in with the bullies, The GPK’s (Garbage Pail Kids) show they are actually quite
caring, even if they’re freakishly disgusting. For example, to wake him up, one
of them farts in his face. Captain Manzini returns to discover his Kids have
been let out, blaming Dodger for the mess they’ve caused. “Say hello to
trouble” Manzini says, introducing the disgusting freaks to the surprisingly
welcoming boy. In their truest form, each character introduces themselves in
relation to their deformity; Ali Gator shows off his lunch box of eyeballs and
human toes, and Nerdy Ned wets himself repeatedly. I know, I know… what the
hell is this movie even about? I don’t know, I’m trying to make sense of it as
I go so hang in there.
Dodger starts to hang out
with Tangeriene a bit more, who is some kind of fashion designer. She runs a
small, successful business selling clothes at random spots to dozens of people
who just appear out of nowhere, snatching up her items for cash.
Meanwhile, the GPK’s are left
unsupervised, and given they get hungry, decide to steal a truck delivering
food. Carelessly, they crash into a mans car, who manages to dive out of it
just before they drive over the car, flattening it entirely. As you do.
Regrouping around a barrel of fire like a bunch of homeless bums, the GPK’s sit
around eating, talking, making noises and generally being annoying. The
puppetry and voiceover work “portraying” these characters is just utterly
terrible by the way, as you might have suspected. It doesn’t just look like a
matter of a small budget; it’s like the filmmakers couldn’t give a shit whether
the puppets (or small people in suits) looked convincing, funny or cute. In
fact, they look like cousins of Chucky, the killer doll from the Child’s Play
movies – their eyes movie with a psychotic slant to them, their voices are
raspy and perverted sounding and they just come across as mentally unstable and
dangerous. This is a kids movie right? Come to think of it, I don’t think it
was ever intended to be.
Despite their first unforgettable impression, the GPK’s have some
nice intentions. Dodger tells them he’s trying to impress Tangerine, so they
give him an old jacket from the antique shop to wear. Tangerine sees this and
is rather impressed, so asks the boy to help her design some clothes and sell
them in a few days. Running back to the freaky little people, Dodger asks for
their help to make some clothes. Breaking into a totally random musical number,
the GPK’s sing “We can do anything by working with each other”. Surprisingly,
the lyrics are positive and filled with cute but clichéd lines. Watching these
demonic things sing and dance however, just takes this movie to a whole other
level of viewing torture. By the end of the song, Dodger returns to see the
freaks have made him a bunch of clothes to give to the girl of his dreams.
That’s where the plot so to speak, ends, and the rest of
the film involves the Garbage Pail Kids just doing what they do – being gross
in every way imaginable.
Humour that is crass and
crude, or of the toilet type, can be funny in small doses, but an entire movie?
And when one scene after another has no coherent plot, but spends plenty of
time showing Nerdy Ned piss himself, or Ali Gator talk about eating peoples
toes (which he actually does from time to time), or Messy Tessy pulling snot
from her nose to glue things together, and even go as far as show Greaser Greg
threatening people with a knife after he steals their food, the movie very
quickly becomes a crap factory spinning fertiliser for the sake of a laugh. But
laugh you will not. Instead you will struggle to have a reason to continue
watching it, as you feel your dignity and IQ gradually disappear.
The State Home for the Ugly.
Could such a place ever exist? Well yes, in this film anyway. The GPK’s talk
about it, believing that’s where their friends are being held captive. So
Dodger, Manzini and the freaks set out to find the place and rescue their
friends. It’s definitely open for business, as men in suits go around with nets
catching ugly people like they’re stray dogs. Just when you thought this film
couldn’t go down any more deranged avenues, it continues to surprise you. And
scare you :-(
Meanwhile, those pesky
bullies kidnap the GPK’s and take them to the State Home for The Ugly. There,
they join people being held prisoner for being too bald, too old or too weird.
They go into the cell marked Too Gross and rightly so. Once Dodger and Manzini
work out where they are, they’ll have to pull together to save the Garbage Pail
Kids. Dodger rally’s up the help of some roughnecks from a local bar the GPK’s
made friends with. While Tangerine and the bullies hang out at the fashion
show, reeling in the success the freaks helped them create by making all the
clothes, our “Heroes” will crash the party, beat the bad guys and save the day,
or something like that…
Ugh!!! Writing that took some
concerted effort. And watching this movie again after over twenty years of
having blocked it out of my memory, took even more effort. It’s a mystery such
a movie was ever made. It’s an even greater mystery how I came to first see it
as a kid. Was it by accident? Did my parents even approve of it? I don’t think
so. In fact, some memory just came back to me of me and my sisters watching
this film, and mum walking in right when Valerie Vomit spews up a litre of
green, chunky puke over some people. Charming. Funny when I was a kid I suppose
but just plain stupid to watch as an adult.
“To be blessed with unusual
features is an adventure” says Manzini, which is the idea the films director
thought would work well for entire film. How wrong he was. The Garbage Pail
Kids features are so disturbingly unusual I think I had nightmares from
watching this movie as a kid. It certainly will stick in my mind again having
watched it recently, and I won’t rush off to watch it again any time soon. Many
of the reviews I wrote for this series brought up a sense of nostalgia for me.
I originally had nostalgic memories of this film, and that’s only because I
don’t remember most of it. Watching it again to write this review showed me
what a mess of a movie it really was, and now the nostalgia is gone, never to
come back. Oh well. There’s always one bad egg in the dozen isn’t there? And
for this series of reviews it is certainly The Garbage Pail Kids movie. Don’t
waste your time by watching it yourself. I assume you sticking it out and just
reading this review was torture enough. Tomorrow’s film review will be a nice,
positive “normal” childhood movie I promise.
Now excuse me while I go
vomit
I couldn’t get this movie on
DVD so watched it on some website. Feel like giving it a go? You can watch it here, if you dare.
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